Where can a girl get some sweet Robot love?

If someone’s junk mail folder ever said anything about them, mine would basically say that perhaps I am too shy to just tell myself to my own face that I need to work on my “pleasuring” skills, and that is why I have felt the need to send myself numerous messeges with hot tips and advise on just how to achieve ultimate pimp status.  Additionally, I apparently have blocked myself from my own inbox.  This digital self hate can’t be healthy.  I shall comfort myself by sending myself forwards of kittens in mittens, rating myself a 10 on hotornot.com and giving myself an wicked awesome self high five.  Then promptly unfriend myself on facebook.

My Obama Election

You know the label on the bottle said I should make a call if it was still there after 4 hours.  I am concerned.

In other news, Obama is having his election night rally right here in chicago in Grant park.  Some friends and I have made plans to join the festivities on this historically significant night – but apparently you need tickets! Ugh.. so after signing up on his website I am left to wait to hear back if tickets open up.  How can they not let me in, I ask. Obama and I are practically the same person.  He’s been accused of being Muslim, and my parents accuse me of that all the time.  His middle name is Hussain, and I’ve been nicknamed Hussy by many.  He is seemingly going prematurely grey, and I’ve been known to be a bit premature (seriously.. this election has got me very excited).  Its as if we are the Marie Kate and Ashley Olson of the Political and Financial world.  Undeniable.  So get off your rump Democratic Party, quit sending me requests for money Michelle Obama, and just give me a ticket already!

Pin (head) Wars!

 

 

As far as the Pin (head) goes.. I think its clear who won the vice presidential debate last week.  In other news, I suggested to a friend that I wanted to go as Sarah Palin for Halloween – but apparently that is old hat!  The whole world is planning to go as Sarah Palin!  Its like the Sailor Moon Epidemic of ’95!

With love from your demise

Dear mini backpack,

You are so stupid and ugly and mini. I wish I could gather all of you up and fill you with cement, destroying your mini backpack innards, thus negating the benefits of your mini-ness. Your owner would suffer severe shoulder bruises from the weight of your cement filled carcass and I would laugh. I just know that you are always smirking at me perched up on your backpack-wench’s not-so-mini back as I walk behind you. How dare you. You are probably a racist.

In conclusion, Die

Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One

  I had a chance to travel to LA on Monday to visit some clients and oh my what a trip it was. Earthquakes hit California at a whopping 5.4 on the old Richter scale. We were in the middle of a presentation and suddenly the whole building started shaking. The locals were amused, I shat my pants, and the presentation continued.We also had some excitement on both the flight out and on the way back. We were privileged to participate in a barf worthy romantic moment between a girl on our plane and her chatch boyfriend who decided he wanted to propose to her as she landed in Chicago. Hilariously, moments before we overheard her telling the guy next to her that she hadn’t showered in the last 30 hours and was disgusted with herself. How romantic.

On our flight to LA we had a little celebrity sighting. Jeri Ryan, Miss “Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One” herself, was on our plane. Sadly, neither myself or my coworkers recognized who she was until about 2 days later when we had googled the crap out of blond celebrities, trying to figure out why she looked so bloody familiar. I should have remembered her right away as Seven of Nine.. I mean.. duh, hello…Borg drone!

 

 

Oh Snap!

Eureka!

It does become progressively more difficult to blogulate when one has not blogified in a while. But, tonight here I sit in front of my Perfect Home two speed, three temp level home heater, warmed by the glow of my laptop, ready to smoke my pipe and tell some stories. But first, I must introduce you to this:

This glorious calculator was recently discovered lying on the sidewalk, abandoned outside a NYC club, delicately wrapped in saran wrap for … well… for what exactly, I ask? What? I personally prefer to preserve my calculators in my Ronco Food Dehydrator, but why the saran wrap, why on the side walk to be found at 4 in the morning by a bunch of math nerds, why cruel world why?!?  I did recently see a saran wrapped calculator lying on the counter at a thai restaurant the other day – Could that simply be it? disgruntled restaurant employee seeks revenge by stealing sacred secret saran wrapped calculator, loses it on sidewalk while on the way to ritualistic burning, now must simply quell burning rage by dunking elbows in soup and giving customers change in pesos.  It might just be, dear readers, it might just be.

In other news, I recently spent 2 weeks traveling with my family to Dubai and Pakistan.  Now that my stomach has decided to join Team Saba again,  it might be time to tell some tales of adventures abroad.  However, as it is past my bedtime, and my home heater is burning the flesh on my legs I must cut this post short.  Soon I will return with tales of exotic lands, peoples, fruits, and bacteria.

When will my people be free?

Dear mini asian lady who waxes my legs, please don’t judge me by the thickness of my growth, the tears that I cry when you violate me, or the way I stare enviously at your creamy smooth hairless arms.  I only aspire to the greatness that your DNA awards you – A greatness that is cruelly unattainable for brown women everywhere.  Granted, today, I took one step towards this goal (or more accurately, one step away from being mistaken for a man) but the cruel and unavoidable passage of time will only work to strip me of this progress until I regress into a state of persevering hirsutism.  Sigh.. let freedom reign.

Damn you Dunkin’ Bagel!

Last week I had the opportunity to attend my first ever NBA basketball game at the United Center – Bulls vs Nuggets, and oh what a game it was. It was all very exciting, what with Pickle the jumping show dog, the tricycle relay races and the chance to win amazing prizes such as 2 gallons of Hinkley Fresh Water, or a Dunkin donuts bagel. Oh, and I guess all that basketball playing as well. There was this really tall Bushy Haired player (some know him as Joakim Noah) who was playing very well, with some excellent moves – including one involving jumping high and forcing the ball into this netted channel that was positioned on a glass bilboard of some sort (some may know this move as a ‘dunky slam’). The Bulls played surprising well, beating the Nuggets 135 to 121. However, the most exciting part of the night was definitely when the Bulls broke the 100 score mark and the entire audience realized they had just won a free Big Mac.  Lets go gluttony, lets go!  (I’ll admit I was pretty excited when I imagined I could trade in my big mac coupon for one of these delectable numbers

Yup, thats right – the infamous DOUBLE filet-o-fish from McDonalds.  Chunder like you’ve never chundered before!)

So True.